Do You Sleep Alone?

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Sleep together to stay together

There is an assumption in our culture that couples must sleep together to stay together. The intimacy of lying next to your partner while sleeping equates to a good relationship. Is that true for you?

For a growing number of couples I have worked with, and according to Vicki Lovine’s post in the Huffington Post, her friends are choosing separate bedrooms. The reasons her friends give her are often the ones I hear. They range from snoring to different preferences in room temperature. These are certainly valid reasons.

In her article, Vicki alludes to other reasons which come down to people’s need for their “own space.” It is here we get the culture “push back”. We subscribe to a belief that once partnered it should be for life, day and night. When we lived in caves, this was probably a very good idea.

What serves you

My attitude is, “do what serves you and your relationship”. That said, if there is an emotional intimacy reason for not sleeping together talk about that. If you are not wanting to sleep together because you have negative feelings towards your partner, take the risk and learn how to start expressing those feelings. If you need help, such as a person to hold the space for those difficult conversations, hire a therapist or coach. Don’t think sleeping apart will solve the problem. It only treats the symptom.

The other side of the emotional aspect is your need for your own space. I once knew a shaman who claimed continued sleeping together with your partner activates past lives that end up being worked out during the day. This might be true. However, what I have noticed is there are times when we all need to be more reclusive, particularly in our 24/7 world.

We all need time to renew ourselves. For some of these renewal times will need to be alone. Years ago, I had a company that taught Mindfulness Stress Reduction to super Type A clients. Every one of them would say in their intake interview they did’nt have the time to do a daily 45 minute mindfulness practice – they’d need a pass on that. We would always say then you can’t take the course. Their retort was – but I have to, nothing else has worked.

They took the course; they found a way to do the 45 minutes per day. Usually four weeks into the eight-week course they grew to love the uninterrupted 45 minutes per day. Not only were the exercises reducing their stress, so was just shutting out the world. These students would further apply their need for space throughout their life. As they did it, their life improved. Their spouse might have been hesitant at first, but with the improvements, he or she encouraged whatever it took for their mate to be more relaxed.

In some cases we heard how sleeping alone at certain times was part of the renewal process. If we are tired, run down and just burnt out we don’t have what we need to give to the people we love the most. If sleeping alone allows you to be present – do it.

Let us know about your sleeping arrangements.

Related posts:

1. Having Your Own Space
2. Deep Love

Tagged as: Add new tag, Emotional intimacy, Huffington Post